Motherhood

Motherhood is so much harder than I thought it would be.  I love it.  I cherish every moment I am with my son.  But it's hard!  Sometimes I don't know what to do or know if what I am doing is even right!  I am constantly comparing myself to other Moms and seeing how I measure up.  It's a bad habit, but I do it!  I will make a decision and feel confident in it and then the next minute will question myself and wonder if it was the right decision after all.

I know myself.  I'm a scheduler.  A planner.  Type A.  Okay I'll say it-anal!  But that's me and how God created me.  Thus a lot of these traits transfer over to how I parent Nathan.  If something is going to interfere with his nap--I usually don't go.  If I'm out and about and it's time for Nathan to go to bed I leave--even if the event I'm attending is not over.  Although at times I feel like I'm doing what's best for my son--at other times I wonder what people think.  Do I get talked about when I leave?  Do people think I'm the crazy Mom who can't have any fun because it's not in her schedule?

Sometimes I let people get to me and other times I let it roll off my shoulders.  The hardest part is that I think I'm the hardest on myself.  Rarely has anyone said anything to me about my parenting skills.  But sometimes it's the way people look at me or the off hand comments they make that I read way into that are the hardest.  And for that I can only blame myself because I also happen to be an over-analyzer!

I also have realized that I can be very judgemental of others.  I look at other parents and the way they do things and then think--well their kids came easily and they didn't have to "work" for them so that's why they can be the way they are.  Nathan very well may be our only child--which adds even more pressure to my plate to do right by him!  I know it's wrong of me to think like this but I'm admitting that it does happen!

There are days that I count down the minutes to Nathan's next nap...and feel horribly guilty.  When I get excited about returning to work there's also a sinking feeling in my heart because I must trade my time with my son for time with 30 children who are not my own.  But then there are the days that I get so excited to take him with me to run errands.  And when I can't wait to get home to hug and kiss my little guy.

I guess this is the life of a Mother.  Ups and Downs.  Highs and Lows.  It's hard but I wouldn't trade my job for the world!