Surgery

Disclaimer: I'm getting up close and personal. By reading below you may be learning more about my body then you ever wanted to know!  Don't say I didn't warn you!

Many of you know that I suffer from horrible and painful periods.  I went on the pill a little over a year ago to help alleviate my symptoms and although it worked, I felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster each month.  I tried changing the pill I took and then my periods just got worse again. For many women who struggle with infertility a period is a reminder every month of how your body has failed you once again.  Although I've come to terms with our infertility and have peace about where we are in our journey it's frustrating to bleed so heavily and go through so much pain each month--all for nothing!

As far as periods go my family history doesn't leave much to be hopeful about.  Many women in my family have had hysterectomies due to heavy periods.  My own mother has barely started menopause and she's in her late 50's!  I have no desire to suffer for another twenty years on a monthly basis.  All of this has led me to decide to have surgery in another month.  My Doctor will be performing a tubal ligation and endometrial ablation.  Feel free to google these terms if you want to know more...

I am caught up in the irony of what I have decided to do. I have never conceived a child.  I have never had a positive pregnancy test.  I have not given birth.  But I have decided to go through with procedures that will take any chance of the before mentioned things ever happening.  

When I came to this decision I expected to feel sad.  I expected to grieve.  Mourn.  But honestly, I'm at complete peace.  Never in a million years would I have expected to grow my family the way God has chosen to grow it.  But I am blessed.  I have two healthy children.  They are not biologically mine.  But they are mine!  They call me Mommy.  They turn to me when they are hurt or in pain. They want me to hold them and kiss them and make everything better.  

And I will never get over the fact that my boys each have another Mom.  A Birth Mom who carried them for nine months and loved them enough to let go so a woman whose womb and arms were empty could be called Mom. 

And guess what?!  If one day Ben and I decide we want more kids.  We can adopt more!  We won't get to pick when. Or how.  But God will.  

If you made it to the end of this post, congratulations!  Now that you know everything and more about my body let's not make everyday conversations awkward.  And if you think of it, be praying for me as I go into surgery on December 3rd.  Although I'm at peace about it I will say I'm nervous about going under anesthesia for the first time.

The Club no one wants Membership to

Who doesn't want to be part of a club?  Normally club membership comes with perks.  Become a member  of the Costco Club and you get access to cheap gas and food in bulk.  A membership at the gym gives you access to treadmills, elliptical machines and all the weights you could ever use and more.

However the club I'm unfortunately a member of doesn't have many perks.  It's the Infertility Club.  I don't think anyone ever sits down and hopes and dreams of becoming a member of this club.  And I highly doubt anyone would pay an annual membership fee to join!  Although people that find themselves with a membership card to the Infertility Club in their wallet still find ways to become parents, you rarely get to "upgrade" your membership.  

Before I knew I was a member of this club I found myself excited anytime someone announced that they would be trying to start a family soon.  When a friend shared news of their pregnancy I eagerly shared in their excitement.  

However when I was first finding out of my membership in this club it suddenly became hard to hear of people's pregnancy announcements or to attend baby showers.  For the most part and by the grace of God I've overcome that hurdle with the occasional setback here and there.  

Now that I'm a longtime member of this club I have also found that my membership has jaded me in some ways.  When someone announces they are trying to have a baby I secretly cringe and hope that their dream of becoming parents doesn't take as long as mine did. When someone announces their pregnancy early on I secretly worry about the health of their baby and hope they haven't shared their news too soon.  

In a lot of ways my membership has forever changed my outlook on life.  Although I still can boast of the hope I will always find in Jesus Christ I realize that life here on earth is not without speed bumps.  There are often valleys that may find us walking alone (or so it seems!)  The hope I find today finds me praying that my story and journey can help someone else who finds themselves with access to a club that they never paid for or wanted.