Anyone who adopts is making a conscious and deliberate choice to become a parent. It was either, have no children, go the route of infertility treatments, or adopt. Since we didn't see ourselves as the kind of people who didn't want to have children and infertility treatments didn't seem to be a good fit, we chose adoption. Even though we are making a conscious choice to become parents through adoption, I sometimes worry if we are making the right choice. What if I go through with it, am placed with a baby, and then think what was I thinking, I'm so not ready for this?! What if I'm faced with a situation with our child one day that I can't handle or don't know how to handle?! I can't blame it on anyone else. In some ways I can't really even complain to anyone else (without at least feeling a little guilty) because I technically did this to myself! I chose this!
A lot of couples choose to become pregnant (and actually have success in doing so) but once they are pregnant don't have the option of going back. The deed is done. This baby is going to come eventually whether they like it or not! With adoption I find myself saying maybe it's too soon. Maybe it's not the right time. Maybe we need to wait before placing ourselves in the matchbook. Because we are adopting I have the luxury of that choice. However the freedom that comes from having a choice doesn't seem all that luxurious at times!
I also wonder what it's going to be like when we get the call that a mom has picked us or even crazier get the call that a baby is waiting for us at the hospital. Because we are adopting we have more choices to make. Is this the birth mom for us? Is this the baby for us? The pregnancy worker will give us all the background information about the birth mom and the baby that she can provide, but then the choice is ours. Do we meet? Do we go to the hospital and claim a baby, that we just have met, as ours? We may find ourselves saying no to a call about a baby or a match meeting. Am I going to feel guilty for saying no later? Am I going to be turning down the one chance I have to become a parent because I didn't feel like the match was right?
So many choices to consider!
I wonder sometimes if this is how God feels about us. God created us and loves us so much--but true loves comes with a choice. God in some ways, has to let go, so that we can make the choice for ourselves to love him in return. I've made that choice. Many of my friends and family have made that choice as well. How God's heart must ache when his children make the wrong choices. How God's heart must ache for those who have not chosen Him yet!