We saved this part for last in our class this past week, probably because it’s a tough topic to discuss. But unfortunately when it comes to adoption, nothing is final until the birth family signs relinquishment's after the baby is born.
We talked about how it’s important to have “sensible expectations”. It shouldn’t be a surprise that a mother wants to keep her child—the surprise comes when she wants and is willing to place her child for adoption! When a birth mom makes an adoption plan it is exactly that—a plan! Plans can change at any moment!
Our agency suggests trying to take hold of a “can’t lose” mind set. Whether I want to accept it or not, adoption is a ministry, thus it should be focused on giving, not receiving. When a birth family is supported, regardless of their decision, then the ministry’s mission is accomplished.
I honestly had never really thought about adoption in this light. I consider myself to be somewhat ministry minded—I did marry a pastor after all! But in some ways, giving still doesn’t come naturally to me. I have to purposefully focus on reaching outward instead of inward.
Our caseworker teaching the class talked about how a lot of birth families have never seen what a marriage, centered on Christ, looks like. A lot of birth moms have never seen a healthy relationship in which a man loves a woman unconditionally and treats her accordingly. Even if in the end the birth mom decides to parent her own child, it is our hope that we will have made an impact in her life in someway. This doesn’t mean that we won’t hurt and grieve over the loss of what could have been our baby. But we need to remember the baby wasn’t ours to begin with.
In class we talked about how there are “reasons for risks”. Choosing to adopt is risky—thus I am a risk taker. I had never thought of myself as a risk taker before starting the adoption process, but I guess I am now a member of the club! The reasons we take risks in an adoption are because the life of a child is at stake. If we have the opportunity to love a child that otherwise wouldn’t have the opportunity to be loved and cared for, we will willingly take on this risk! However in the end the birth mom may decide that she is capable of loving and caring for her own child herself-this is a risk for her, but a good one for her to take on as well!
We need to walk into adoption with our eyes wide open ready to accept God’s plans for us even if they don’t end up the way we had envisioned. Someone once told me that if you want to make God laugh, then make plans! (However for some reason I still tend to plan my life out—interesting to note!).
In this ride called adoption we are the passengers, the birth family the drivers! Even though we may go down some scary roads, God will be ever present protecting us and caring for us along the way.
We need to be prepared for grief when it comes to adoption. However much I don’t want to give my heart to this child in a birth mother’s womb—I will. It will feel like mine, even though it isn’t. If I go into adoption knowing this and remembering that God is ultimately in control, I may experience heartache, but my heart will not stay broken forever.
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