This may sound silly, but I’ve always sort of thought of adoption as a means to an end. Once we get our baby, the goal has been reached, we have crossed the finish line, and the process is over! In reality, this thought process is far from the truth! Tonight’s class topic was all about the covenant we will be forming with the birth family. Our agency strongly supports open adoption, thus the relationship we form with our child’s birth family will not end when they hand over their baby—in fact it will just be beginning! If I wasn’t agreeable to open adoption, we probably wouldn’t be adopting or even working with this agency. So don’t misunderstand me—the information presented tonight was not brand new. However I got a much bigger and better picture of exactly how an open adoption looks like and feels!
Once we are matched with a birth mom we then will have a covenant meeting where we outline what our relationship will look like once the baby is born. How often will phone calls occur? E-mails? Letters? How many times will we visit in person each year? Who is allowed to attend these visits? All of these things can be changed or revised as needed throughout the life of the child depending on different situations that arise.
Our caseworker noted that although this covenant is a document that all parties sign (including a judge) we can never have our rights revoked as parents if the covenant’s terms are not met. However, the courts can mandate that we go to mediation if we are struggling to meet the terms of the agreement.
When looking over the covenant agreement it was hard not to get overwhelmed. I’m worried I won’t meet up to the birth mom’s expectations! Our caseworker shared that birth mom’s feel the exact same way, so not to worry.
We spent a lot of time talking about how we would handle different scenarios throughout the baby’s life. What if the birth family breaks contact for awhile? What if my child suddenly has a desire to not see their birth family? It was comforting to know that the agency is there to support us every step of the way. Oftentimes when you work with a lawyer once the adoption is finalized they are no longer in the picture. Our agency has counseling services and we are always free to call if a situation arises and we are not sure what to do.
It’s funny but since we will be a adopting an infant it’s hard to focus on the big picture. This child will grow, change and mature! As they do it will be our job to ensure the child understands and knows how they came to be a part of our family and what role their birth parents play. This may not always be an easy journey for our child. There may be times when our child doesn’t understand why they can’t live with their birth parents or they may be confused why they have both adoptive parents and birth parents. This is a lot to deal with and was quite overwhelming to think about. The caseworker shared that our job is not keep our children from pain but to help them process and deal with the pain they experience. Adoption is a beautiful thing, but it can also be hard and painful at times. But isn’t it the same with life?!
Ben and I have always wanted more than one child. In fact I wouldn’t mind 3 or 4! However going through the adoption process has made me really contemplate if I could handle more than one for a lot of different reasons. If we are never able to conceive any of our own children we would be dealing with a set of birth parents for each child we adopt! I’m sure each situation would be different and unique in its own way, with its own joys and sorrows, but the perfectionist in me wants to make sure I give equal attention to each relationship. I’m not ready to say we will be “one and done” but it’s definitely given me a lot to think about!
These are my thoughts for now. I felt like I was rambling more than normal this time! I apologize if it was hard to follow my thought process!
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