Wow. Tonight’s class was overwhelming! There was a lot of information given out tonight and a lot of it was hard to take in. We focused on the “Birth Parent Experience” tonight. I have already begun to put myself in the birth mom’s shoes but tonight I was able to even better picture all that she goes through.
We watched a video where birth moms (and some dads too!) spoke candidly about their experiences in giving up their children for adoption. One birth mom said it was hard leaving the hospital in a wheelchair—all other moms leave with their babies—she didn’t. I wonder if this is how parents who have given birth to a child that didn’t survive must feel—heartbreaking!
If I were to put myself in the birth mom’s shoes I don’t know if I could go through with it! I never thought I would use the word brave to describe a birth mom—but that’s exactly what they are: brave! They boldly decide to give up their child realizing they aren’t ready to be parents. They don’t make this decision because they don’t like their baby—in fact they do it because they LOVE their baby! Wow! I hope I can one day love my child as much as a birth mom must love their child!
Birth parents on the video also described what it feels like to later see their birth children (it seemed like most of them chose some form of an open adoption). It surprised me a little how excited and at peace birth moms were to see their children happy and adjusted with their adoptive families. Some almost seemed relieved. I never thought about how much of a worry or burden that might be for a birth mom when giving up their child.
One of the families in our class brought up the concern that she fears she wouldn’t live up to the birth parents’ expectations. I never thought about that and I think it’s a valid concern to have! Our instructor for the evening encouraged us to remember that all the time we are spending planning and preparing for this baby through the adoption process proves that we want to be parents and be the best parents possible. When birth moms come to our agency the pregnancy counselors take time to explain all that adoptive parents go through to be certified. The instructor shared that many birth moms are thankful and in awe over what we go through.
Tonight I was able to think about myself and our infertility journey in comparison to a birth mom’s journey in deciding to give up her baby. We both experience loss, just in different ways and at different times. My joy in having a baby will begin just as a birth mom’s heartbreaking loss will be starting. That’s a lot to think about and remember—especially when we are working with the birth mom in the hospital.
Tonight we spent some time looking and going over what’s called a “Hospital Plan”. This is paperwork that is filled out by the birth mom as she decides how involved she wants the birth parents to be while she’s at the hospital. It was very specific and covered a lot of things:
-who calls the adoptive parents when birth mom is in labor?
-who is in the room for the delivery?
-where will the baby stay in the hospital (with birth mom, in the nursery, or with the adoptive parents?)
-who will be allowed to visit?
-who will provide the going home outfit for the baby?
-who will name the baby? (Birth mom fills out the birth certificate and can technically name the baby whatever she wants)
-will birth mom or adoptive parents take the baby home from the hospital (if consents have not been signed yet)
The hospital plan was what overwhelmed me most. It’s a lot to think about. I can easily describe myself as a control freak—and I in no way get to control what the birth mom writes on the hospital plan. In fact I get no say whatsoever! It is my job to be sensitive to what the birth mom is going through while at the hospital. I don’t look at this job lightly and hope I can do all that I can to support this mother in her decision—whether it be to keep this baby or give it us to raise. Sometimes the best decision for a birth mom will be to keep her baby—it has happened and I have to be prepared for it. If she’s able to love that child and raise that child what a beautiful thing that can turn out to be!
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