Wow...I can't believe 7 weeks of classes have come to an end! Crazy! I think in this class we were handed the most handouts. There's so much to look through so I'm sure there will be future blog posts.
Tonight's class focused on some of the harder issues we must face in adoption: the effects of drugs and alcohol on babies and children. A lot of birth mom's aren't in a good place and often struggle with mild to moderate drug and alcohol abuse. In some cases the addiction can even be severe. This will have an effect on the baby we adopt so we need to be prepared and informed. On our "child desired" form we had to decide whether we would be open to adopting a child that could be exposed to drugs and alcohol. We chose to mark the box for mild exposure which in most cases usually means that birth mom was using drugs and or alcohol while she was pregnant but once she actually found out she was pregnant, she stopped.
The above information was only a small portion of tonight's class. The rest of the time was devoted to special needs and transracial adoptions. We had 2 adoptive families as speakers for this class and they had a wealth of knowledge to share with us.
Although Ben and I don't feel called to adopt a child with special needs at this point in time, we also can't predict that our child will or will not have a disability of some kind. This risk of having a child with a disability is the same whether we were to have our own child by birth or not--especially with Autism now being diagnosed in as many as 1 in 110 children! It was good to hear some of the perspectives the Moms had to share tonight and to prepare ourselves for what could be reality one day.
The issue that really hit home for me tonight was what was shared about transracial adoptions. As noted in an earlier post I've been struggling with how I feel about adopting a child from another race. The Mom who shared tonight was very open and honest about what she's experienced as a Mom of transracial kids.
Obviously when you adopt outside of your own race you will stick out. People will not immediately assume that you are your child's parent, simply for the fact that you don't look like one another. Some people will stare. Others will ask questions. For the most part the Mom who shared tonight said that people, in their comments, are trying to show their support for your choice--although it doesn't always come out that way. I've experienced this with my struggles with infertility. People will ask me why I haven't had kids yet (a seemingly harmless question)--little do they know I've wanted kids for 3 years (and the way in which they ask their question reminds me of the fact that my arms are still empty!)
On the flip side some people will not support you in your decision and will even go out of their way to say comments that are mean and hurtful. The reality is that non-caucasian infants are harder to place for adoption. If someone of the child's own race isn't able or chooses not to adopt, then what option is really left? These babies deserve a loving home just as much as a caucasian child does!
The Moms gave us a hand out tonight when considering adopting transracially. Some of the questions posed were:
Are we willing to learn more about our future child's culture? Are we genuinely interested in understanding what our child's experience will be as an adult in our society?
At this point I see myself being willing to do anything for the benefit of my child. I think we've proven that just by the fact that we are going through such a long and arduous process in order to become parents!
Do we have friends of our future child's race/culture? Are we comfortable placing ourselves in environments that would make it possible for us to have more friends of that race/culture?
This question specifically was a hard one for me to swallow. In no way do I consider myself a person who only associates and is friends with someone ONLY of my own race. But on the flip side if I want my children to have friends of their own race (that is not my own) I will have to purposefully seek out these relationships. What do I do (and I'm being VERY blunt here) walk up to someone who is Black or Hispanic and say can I be your friend based on the fact that your a different race than me?
Are you willing to move in order to live in a more diverse neighborhood?
This was another tough one. Again I find myself agreeing to anything that would benefit my child--but moving is huge--especially in this housing market!
This question applies to churches too. I find myself asking, would our church accept our child if they were a different race than us? I'm fairly certain I know the answer to this question--but I still wonder! And because my husband is also employed by our church it makes it more complicated.
Adopting outside of our race will lead to lots of questions and lots of conversations--some of them with complete strangers! It dawned on me that many of these conversations may lead me to an opportunity to share my faith in Christ with someone-pretty cool! However should I adopt a child of another race based solely on this fact?! Heck no!
If we end up getting matched and moving forward with adopting a child of a different race the reality is we will always have extra stuff on our plate to deal with. The Moms shared tonight that the most important way of dealing with it is being open and honest with your child. Talk to them from day one about their adoption. Role play with them what they should say when people ask them questions. And be careful how you form your responses to others comments while in front of them. They will be watching and listening early on! A good rule of thumb that one of the Moms shared tonight was to think ahead of time about how much you want to share with others about your child--it should never be anything your children don't know about themselves already!
Some other thoughts that were shared tonight (that are quite random in nature and really don't fit anywhere else in this post!)
I will never be everything my child needs--if I go into adoption knowing this (and realizing it won't be perfect!) I will be better prepared to handle what comes our way.
In the world we live in people will never fully understand adoption unless they have experienced it first hand. Although the world may not affirm our choice to adopt, the birth family will (or they wouldn't place their child in our arms in the first place) and most importantly GOD affirms our choice as well!
Adoptive kids don't have the privilege of blending in. I think everyone would agree, to some extent, that they want their child to fit in and be accepted--myself being one of these people. However our adopted child, especially if they are from a different race than us, will stick out. People will ask questions and make comments. I can choose to prepare my child for this or choose to ignore it--but in my experience denial has never been a good road to walk down.
I loved the way one of the adoptive Moms described God's plan to her children. She tells them that God has always wanted whats best for us--but he gives us a choice. We can choose His best, or we can make a different choice. Making a different choice is allowed--but it will often be much harder. This applies to so much about life. I wish some of my own family and friends would see and understand this about God!!!
That's it for now folks!
