Anyone who adopts is making a conscious and deliberate choice to become a parent. It was either, have no children, go the route of infertility treatments, or adopt. Since we didn't see ourselves as the kind of people who didn't want to have children and infertility treatments didn't seem to be a good fit, we chose adoption. Even though we are making a conscious choice to become parents through adoption, I sometimes worry if we are making the right choice. What if I go through with it, am placed with a baby, and then think what was I thinking, I'm so not ready for this?! What if I'm faced with a situation with our child one day that I can't handle or don't know how to handle?! I can't blame it on anyone else. In some ways I can't really even complain to anyone else (without at least feeling a little guilty) because I technically did this to myself! I chose this!
A lot of couples choose to become pregnant (and actually have success in doing so) but once they are pregnant don't have the option of going back. The deed is done. This baby is going to come eventually whether they like it or not! With adoption I find myself saying maybe it's too soon. Maybe it's not the right time. Maybe we need to wait before placing ourselves in the matchbook. Because we are adopting I have the luxury of that choice. However the freedom that comes from having a choice doesn't seem all that luxurious at times!
I also wonder what it's going to be like when we get the call that a mom has picked us or even crazier get the call that a baby is waiting for us at the hospital. Because we are adopting we have more choices to make. Is this the birth mom for us? Is this the baby for us? The pregnancy worker will give us all the background information about the birth mom and the baby that she can provide, but then the choice is ours. Do we meet? Do we go to the hospital and claim a baby, that we just have met, as ours? We may find ourselves saying no to a call about a baby or a match meeting. Am I going to feel guilty for saying no later? Am I going to be turning down the one chance I have to become a parent because I didn't feel like the match was right?
So many choices to consider!
I wonder sometimes if this is how God feels about us. God created us and loves us so much--but true loves comes with a choice. God in some ways, has to let go, so that we can make the choice for ourselves to love him in return. I've made that choice. Many of my friends and family have made that choice as well. How God's heart must ache when his children make the wrong choices. How God's heart must ache for those who have not chosen Him yet!
All of your concerns are legitimate. Will you ever be ready? NO. Neiter was I. Even though I chose to get pregnant. SO many challenges lie ahead. As a mother of 2 wonderful boys, I myself find there are brief moments in time when I want to give them back...to who, I don't know. ha ha ha. I never imagined I would be raising an autistic child. God won't give you anything you can't handle. And He will equip you with the right tools necessary to deal with the challenges you will face in parenthood.
ReplyDeleteJust because the baby isn't biologically yours, he/she will be your son/daugther to love for the rest of his/her life. Through all the tough times when you want to give up and wonder what were you thinking, and through all the cherrished times you will never forget. All part of parenthood, sister! :)
And as far as being ready, I wans't ready for my first son until the moment I saw him. All of your natural maternal instincts will kick in the moment you meet your baby. Most of your fears will remain, but the love for that child will outweigh the worries. It will be the most incredible feeling ever! A kind of love you can not understand until you have been there yourself.
Jump in with both feet. Don't look back. There will be NO regrets because you will know that God matched you up with the perfect child. Proud of you for adopting. So many children out there who need a loving mommy such as yourself. :)